Feeling Suicidal: Difficulty Dealing with Pain

Friday, December 12, 2014 0 Comments A + a -

cheese cake slice
Happy Birthday, absent son.
here is no one word to describe my feelings as both, not just one, of my teens ran away. It has been a week and neither the authorities nor I have found them. The pain I feel in my chest was so heavy, I felt strangled.  I thought and planned of ending this pain for days now as I could only take so much.

Dealing with Pain

I sobbed loudly with my therapists yesterday.  She let me.  I almost finished the whole box of Kleenex.  She was not going to send me to the hospital with a promise I would hand over my anxiety pills to Paul, which I thought of taking all in one sitting to end all the pain I feel inside.  I wanted to sleep and not ever wake up.

In days, I do not work, like yesterday and today I struggle to do routine tasks.  I have not walked my dogs.  Thank goodness for the backyard.

Thank goodness for this blog.  This serves as my outlet and a way to stir my mind off my teens for a moment.  I have been blogging every day to help sort my thoughts in written words.

My children are alive, they are mentally lost, but they are alive.

There are signs of them being present in the house when I was at work.  Somebody closes the blinds, leaves the lights on.  The second family laptop disappeared all of the sudden . . .

True friends (mostly engineers and nurses, it really does not matter what they do) and the counselors keep reminding me not to blame myself.  Contrary to what the "parents" of my kids' [false] friends say, my friends want to convince me that I did not drive my teens away.  My teens chose to leave because they did not want to follow the rules . . .

Part of me wants to just let them do whatever they want as long as they stay home.

However, that will not be right.

Both of them stopped going to school.  Both of them have not communicated with me in any way.

Yesterday was so hard for me.

“I wish they were here.” 

The ache of my sorrow could be boiled down to these five words.  They should be both here yesterday especially because it was his 16th birthday.  We should have celebrated.  Instead, my dining room was empty.  Because he was not even here, I did not bother to get a present.

I pulled some old pictures from the computer and rediscovered what is now one of the most cherished pictures of my son and daughter, when they were little and followed me around like ducks. There were pictures taken when I was pushing them as they swing in the tire swing, when they were racing with Rubik’s cube against each other.  My son, the older child, always won.  I looked at their old birthday pictures blowing the candles of the cake.  Their faces were bright with smiles from ear to ear.  They were easy to please, such joy.

“You guys should be here.”

My therapist said I should go to Paul’s yesterday as he invited me to come over.

“You need his support.”

I bought cheesecake for dessert.  He made pizza.  Together we had dinner, him, his kids, and me.
They were my family that night. Afterwards, we watched his son’s basketball practice.

My son was in basketball too in school.  But not anymore as he stopped going to school.

I went home after, no kids at home, just two wildly tail-wagging dogs who were both so happy to see me, Velvet and Snowball.
basketball court
My son could have been that one
holding the ball.

Why I Should Not Kill Myself

  1. I am not truly alone.  
  2. I have friends and family who care for me. 
  3. I care for all of them too.  
  4. I can do things to keep me busy.  
  5. This pain is temporary.  It will pass.  I should continue living.  
  6. God will help me.

What Stopped Me From Killing Myself Tonight

  1. The Suicide Hotline Phone Call to 1-800-273-TALK
  2. Suicide Help - HelpGuide.Org
  3. My Dogs - Who's gonna take care of them aside from me?
  4. A Phone Call to Paul - although I did not tell him I do have suicidal plan all laid out.
  5. Locking my bottles of pills in the safe.  (The Hotline rep told me to put them away). Out of sight, out of mind.
  6. A trip to the book store.  I needed to get my mind off my sorrow.  I have not seen a single human being all day. It will probably help to go outside.
  7. The rep will call in two hours to check on me.  I do not want to be taken to the hospital if I attempt suicide tonight. That will result in  a "fail" and I will probably end up with kidney or liver failure and brain damage.  I will not be a burden to anyone.  That will be the opposite of disappearing from this cruel world.

I would love to read your comments.